As promised, for this post we've compiled a few of the most common inappropriate and/or insensitive questions & comments that adoptive parents often hear. A few we have already experienced personally, others we've just heard about.
Here is our list of things
NOT to say:
"How much did she/he cost?" This question makes it sound like your child is a commodity, not a human being. Children are not possessions to be bought and sold. The costs associated with adoption are for the numerous governmental/agency fees and expenses that are necessary to complete the adoption. The truth of the matter is, any question about cost is inappropriate in the first place... After all, you wouldn't ask someone how much their C-section cost, would you? That said, if you are thinking about adopting a child yourself, there's no harm in asking someone about the agency they used and their fee schedule. But please don't ask someone how much their kid cost them.
"Do you know anything about her/his real parents?" Any question or comment referring to a child's "real" mother or father is bound to offend any adoptive parent. After all, he or she is the one raising the child, and feels as real a parent as any other.
"Where did you get her/him?" Even though most people who ask this are doing so only out of curiosity, this question is not posed in a way that would be appreciated by a parent.
"Now that you've adopted, you'll probably get pregnant." This is one of the most annoying comments for couples to hear. First, it suggests that adoption is only a means to an end, not a happy and successful end in itself. Second, it simply isn't true... just a ridiculous myth. No one is saying it hasn't happened, but studies reveal that the rate for achieving pregnancy after adopting is the same as for those who do not adopt (taken from the RESOLVE website).
"Don't you still wish you could have children of your own?" She
is our own. Did you have any other questions? :)
"She/he is so lucky to have you." This may seem like a harmless comment at first, but consider how it might make the child feel if she/he were old enough to understand. Every child deserves loving parents and a safe home. Hopefully, every adopted child can have that. Children are always a blessing. It's the parents who are the lucky ones!
Of course this list could go on and on, but we'll just leave you with that little sampling for now. Obviously, the chance of encountering such comments and questions increases when you are a "conspicuous family", meaning that your child(ren) are of a different race or ethnicity. Please remember that there is nothing wrong with having questions about how adoption works. The key is to make sure that what you say doesn't insinuate anything negative about the adoptive relationship.
Hopefully these last couple of posts have shed some light on an important topic. Thanks for taking the time to read them!
Take care,
Greg & Laura
P.S. By the way, rugs and vases are oriental...
people are
Asian.
Today is our 9 month LID anniversary! Can't believe we've hit the 9 month mark. This time last year the wait was about 10 months... unfortunately the current wait is 19 months and climbing. The CCAA has just made referrals for families logged in through Nov. 7, 2005. We spoke with our agency coordinator last week...she was still hopeful that we might get our referral by the end of next year... we hope so too!! All we can really do is continue to faithfully wait and pray for that day.
